sometimes I see something somewhere. something that reminds me of you in such a great detail and intensity I feel like I need to hold onto a wall and rest against it for a few minutes. I can hardly remember your face anymore, the scent of that summer and that strange taste in my mouth after a night of countless gin tonics and smoked cigarettes. I cannot remember it anymore, not clearly, not the way I used to. except during those short moments when I do. when it all comes back to me so suddenly. so suddenly and unexpectedly. often I wonder whether it’s because at that same time and moment you’re thinking exactly the same.

after all these years it still blows my mind away how at a silent, peaceful moment, in which I am feeling content and quiet, things change. rapidly and too fast for my own comprehension. I still haven’t learned how to anticipate the ups and downs of daily life. I still haven’t learned how cope with the emotional waves and instability. I don’t know how to balance it, how to handle it. but you would understand. I know you would.

this morning I woke up at seven to a complete whiteness outside. it’s that time of the year again. it’s twenty five+ degrees celsius. I woke up too early and I had another hour just to laze in bed and do nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a chance to enjoy myself in the morning like that. it’s like something inside me allowed me to ease up a little bit. I spent the day finishing up all of my work, completing study notes and working out calculus questions. I’ve grown to like it. just like the english tea. but maybe it’s not related at all.

I am lacking time to write. actual time to write. recently these posts have been stripped to ten, fifteen minutes maximum. I haven’t got time to think about what I am going to write. as long as I write every day. I am not sure whether this was the approach I had in mind at the beginning of the year. but it’s march already and I am not complaining. this weekend has brought something to me, something new. something that I hadn’t seen before. but people around me have and that just proved how stupid I can be sometimes.

but I guess that has always been part of my learning process. I have many things to focus on, even more to think about — these things are constant. the only thing I seem to be missing is someone constant.

Prince Edward Boy back on my mind, which is perfectly convenient at a time like this one. NOT. what the fuck am I thinking?

I am at a loss of words here. yesterday I’ve finally had a whole afternoon just for myself. I spent it writing, walking around and exploring the greyness of the city. it is particularly grey these these days. we’ve gone up from ten degrees to twenty seven. twenty seven names for tears, twenty seven levels. it all comes down to that. this weekend I am not doing much. reading, writing, watching mind numbing medical tv shows and eating too much of sweets. why not. I think after last week I deserve it.

I wonder when my muse is going to kick in again.

what do I say about tonight? no, wait. what do I say about today as a whole?

I like how you’re not awkward with me. how you can tell me things, you don’t tell everyone. I like that you talk to me about other people, because you aren’t able to talk to them. you make me happy. but you make me sad, too. because we’re so similar in some things I can read you like a book, even though the more time I spend with you, the less I know you. what you don’t realize every lie you say I can hear it in my head, somewhere in past, because I say exactly the same things. and this will be either the end of our friendship, or just the beginning. if we both keep our walls on, we will never understand each other. but one thing I know; a bowl of hot pho has never tasted better.

maybe one day I will finally tell you everything I have on mind. but I need to be sure.