notes on her personal experiences http://enjoythewait.org Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:36:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 day thirty seven http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/day-thirty-seven/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/day-thirty-seven/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:58:54 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10928 rain pours behind the windows;
the white light in the office headache is inducing.
my headphones are the only thing providing any form of consolation. flashbacks from last night. feelings, emotions, confusion but with a strong certainty.
what did I just type?
I am not making any sense today and the stereotypical tasks of today are actually welcomed.
cupcakes from a fellow intern and venti cappuccino.
I forgot to eat yesterday.
frantically browsing through craiglist and gumtree in hopes of finding something that could interest me. reading the new yorker and the times.
an idea for a short story came to me in the middle of the night but I didn’t have a chance to write it down. the fact that it is irreversibly gone now makes me doubt myself.
long messages to a friend in australia, simply because our friendship has grown stronger since his visit last week.
sometimes I just need someone to listen.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/day-thirty-seven/feed/ 0 What happens if you fall in love with a writer? http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/what-happens-if-you-fall-in-love-with-a-writer/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/what-happens-if-you-fall-in-love-with-a-writer/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 07:20:56 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10901 Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you’ve never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash your pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life.

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you’ve never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you’ve never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you’ve never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind.
If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

source

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/06/what-happens-if-you-fall-in-love-with-a-writer/feed/ 0 day thirty six http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/05/day-thirty-six/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/05/day-thirty-six/#comments Sun, 05 Feb 2012 06:46:39 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10903 I write lengthy letters to lovers and hope to accomplish nothing. the coincidental alliteration is beginning to annoy me. it is too much of a constant. daily constants. I am trying to think when is the last time I managed to spend the entire day just writing. in pajamas. with extensive amounts of coffee. because yesterday was just like that. I am thinking of my other daily constants. the coffee, the cigarettes being the obvious. but. I am beginning to wonder about other things. I am wondering whether I could be willing to make someone a daily constant. the doubts, the questions, the insecurity. attempts to drown my own mind have been unsuccessful. but there’s a couple of new people around now who put a smile on my face every time I see them. which is important.

I purchased another nirvana t-shirt in hopes it would remind me of my roots. but instead I am finding myself spacing out to the tones of habib koité, rokia traoré and oumou sangare. the significance of this is, perhaps, more than obvious. I sat with an old high school friend, just laughing and talking. the guitarist joined us at some point. there were some other people that I haven’t seen for a long time. hazelnut boy waited patiently before I made up my mind and took a taxi back to the dark side. in the morning, he wasn’t shy to admit that waiting for me, sometimes, has a sweet ending of an entirely sleepless night. we argued again but we missed each other more and it wasn’t relevant to begin with.

of course.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/05/day-thirty-six/feed/ 0 one letter to rule them all http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/one-letter-to-rule-them-all/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/one-letter-to-rule-them-all/#comments Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:19:46 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10554 for a long time I wasn’t sure I wanted to post it. but I guess I am secretly hoping he might read this. what a coward I am. also, I have no idea what I am trying to say with the title except that I was just watching some youtube videos featuring the lord of the rings. the letter itself was written some time in september? october? something like that.

dear baby boy,

I call you baby boy because you call me baby prada. it’s easy like that. but that’s not how I wanted to start this letter even though it seems to be the best possible way because the things I am about to tell you (without actually telling you) could use a little lightening up. if that makes any sense. please bear with me as I type out the words; sometimes carefully structured, sometimes entirely written without thinking. I am sorry I am so complicated and hard to love. if you love me. because honestly I don’t know. at times I feel I don’t belong to your world. or maybe you don’t belong to mine. or it’s bullshit. anyway. I am sorry for doubting you. I am sorry if I am hurting you in any way because truly do not mean to. I wish I spoke french fluently. I think if I did I would know more about you, I would understand you better. because sometimes I don’t know what your expectations are. I want to stop debating with you. I say debate because you don’t like the word fight and neither do I. you keep saying, but you like this. no, I don’t. I really don’t. I cannot even tell you how much I hate it when we get into one of our discussions and never stop. also, sorry, I am yelling sometimes. it’s just how I am. my temperament is impossible. I speak my mind. I speak what’s on my heart. I don’t have time to process it and sugar coat it. so I yell sometimes. or say mean things. or both. or worse. I need to learn how to control it. I am going to work on that, I promise.

I think you’re wondering what’s the point of all this crap and why you are even reading it when you could be doing other things. like, playing xbox. (okay, I am just mocking you now). the point of my words is I am hoping you can take me as I am. without trying to change me. without telling me what to do. but. sometimes I need to be told. does that make sense? I am stubborn, I am proud, I am full of shit. I make myself think I don’t need anything or anyone. but I remember what you told me one of our nights (it honestly made me shut up). you said, by yourself is not enough. and you kept repeating it. again and again and again. until I gave up. but the words sunk deep into my mind and I hadn’t forgotten since then. I am working on accepting this. (for example, I could start with accepting your jacket when I am fucking freezing.)

for me, loving someone is about setting the person free. letting the person go. if they come back, they’re mine. if they don’t, they don’t. I am scared of loving too much, so usually I end up not showing the person how much they mean to me. I am working on this as well. I want to be able to show you how much you mean to me. not with words and constant repetition of ‘I love you’ because honestly those words don’t mean much. people say it so often and so many times and too soon. for me loving someone is about being in sync with the person. it’s not about being together all the time, it’s not about knowing everything. it’s about honesty. and trust. I haven’t gotten very far with either.

I am not perfect. I have flaws. issues. problems. I get scared and crazy. I am irrational then I am rational. I hate too much, I love too much. sometimes I am careless, sometimes I am heartless. sometimes I am just rude and impolite and just fucking impossible. a lot of the times, when we’re out together, I am at some stage of intoxication. that’s one of the reasons we don’t make love nowhere as much as I (you, we) would like to. because I don’t want to make love to you while I am intoxicated. I want to remember it. I want to know the curves of your body. I want to speak the language of your body. I want to become familiar with every millimeter of your body. know it like the back of my hand yet always try new things. I cannot remember the last time I had sex sober. probably some time last summer. and then I just stopped caring about other people’s pleasure and only thought of my own. but with you I don’t want to be like that.

I hate you for putting my hopes up. for making me think, making me believe, I could belong to someone. as stubborn as I am and as much as I am doing everything I can to avoid so much as mentioning the word, relationship is what I want. secretly. to belong to someone. to be yours. yours only. when I am with you; everything becomes irrelevant. there’s no tomorrow. there’s only you and me. and your smile. I am sure I already told you, but you need to smile more. smile and laugh. you are beautiful when you laugh. your eyes spark; there’s tiny little stars. you’re like a child but you’re afraid to show that side of you. I love the childish you. I wish I knew how to bring it out more often.

I know that we are limited to hong kong. once one of us leaves this city for whatever reason, I know it will be the end. and I also know that the end might come even sooner than that. in fact, any time. is it possible for a person to be ready for that? no matter how casual the relationship is? I don’t know where we stand. because I refuse to fit into society’s social standards and norms. I want to us to be friends and lovers. because that’s the most beautiful thing one can have in life. a friend and a lover. a partner. someone you can count on. not just ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ just so we tell our friends. I don’t know if this makes sense. also, you’re probably getting annoyed by how long this thing already is. (and you will never even read it!)

there’s something you need to know: I write. in five or ten years (hopefully less than that), that’s all I am hoping to be doing. writing. I am a writer at heart. I see images in my mind, I put them into words. I convert the mess inside my head into words. I am not good with talking. most of the time things don’t come out as I mean them. I think you would agree. (one day I will show you what I was writing that night I met you and then days that followed. and yes I still have those papers. in fact, I keep almost everything I write. including the 38 notebooks that I have filled since I moved to hong kong six years ago. thirty eight! call me crazy but if I didn’t write I wouldn’t be able to survive.)

lately I have been daydreaming too much. about you. it makes me vulnerable. and I can’t help it. I imagine having my own apartment exactly the way I want it; with too many books, notebooks, typewriters, pens and papers, vinyls, old postcards and a big map of the world on one my walls noting down places I’d visited. then there would be you. it’s your apartment, too. with your things. I realize now I don’t know what your things are. what kind of books you like, films and so on. so I fill in the gaps. I imagine coming home in the evening to an amazing smell of one of your dinner creations. I see you in the living room, or maybe you’re sleeping, I slowly walk into the apartment. and you’re there. I kiss your forehead, your cheeks, your eyelids. then you wake up, sheepishly. you smile when you see me. I kiss your beautiful lips. touch your hair. it feels good to be home. we fall asleep together, maybe spooning, maybe just touching with legs, maybe with backs turned to each other. it doesn’t matter. but what matters is that I want to wake up next to you in the morning. day after day. for a long time. it’s a scary thought, isn’t? it is. it’s so fucking scary.

- Prada

PS. I love when you kiss my forehead. those are my favorite.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/one-letter-to-rule-them-all/feed/ 0 seven hundredth post http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/seven-hundredth-post/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/seven-hundredth-post/#comments Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:54:40 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10862 I never thought I would reach such a high number. I remember posting the hundredth milestone felt like such a big accomplishment. because in the years before enjoythewait I was in a habit of deleting my words every few months out of pure fear that someone I know in real life would discover them. things have changed a lot. twenty hours of sleep. the solitude of an empty apartment. cups of black coffee and cream vegetable soup for breakfast. plans for today include the minimal things: cleaning up the apartment, writing, listening to music, drinking copious amounts of coffee. maybe a short walk in the afternoon, a trip to my favorite bookstore in tsim sha tsui. but apart from that? nothing. I am giving myself a little break. everything else can wait a little.

35 :: 366

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/04/seven-hundredth-post/feed/ 0 34 :: we have grown together, but mostly just apart http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/03/34-we-have-grown-together-but-mostly-just-apart/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/03/34-we-have-grown-together-but-mostly-just-apart/#comments Fri, 03 Feb 2012 04:38:35 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10853 listening to my friend hannah’s incredible playlist. she’s moving back to hong kong next week, which is one of the happiest news I have received lately. I cannot wait for the photographic adventures, endless coffees in town. I’ve missed having her around. just having a friend in town. what somehow makes it special for me is that she’s a high school friend. depending on how long you’ve been following enjoythewait, but some of you might remember the hatred stage I was going through back in 2007. I hated everything about high school. the people, the teachers, the work, the uniform, even the fucking building itself. everything. when I came back from new zealand at the end of march 2008, things changed a little bit. I started making friends. most of them are my friends now. last night one of the first nights in a long time that I enjoyed myself. drinking with the same people I used to hate. and now I cannot imagine my life without them. scattered all over the world but having an extensive list of things in common. I wish I had seen that sooner. but I guess it’s the natural process of making friends.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/03/34-we-have-grown-together-but-mostly-just-apart/feed/ 0 33 :: 366 http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/02/33-366/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/02/33-366/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:10:33 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10819 I wore his hoodie to work today. the same one I’ve been wearing since chinese new year. that fatal monday. I can hardly make out his cologne anymore but there’s still a faint scent leftover in the material. I haven’t seen him, I barely talk to him. we fight and we argue every time we see each other. the silence at the end of the day was too much for me to bear. I swallowed my pride and talked to him first. unresolved issues. lots of them. and then that other guy whom I cannot even remember. but I know he was there. I stopped writing the red district chronicles some time around august but I should probably go back to it. it’s been a year since I wrote my first letter to the guitarist. he’s still around, he’s still here. our friendship is rare and it’s the only reason why I am taking care of it. there’s too many other words on my mind but hopefully I will find the right way to reveal them soon.

eight o’clock in the morning, conversation got boring.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/02/33-366/feed/ 0 32 :: february http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/01/32-february/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/01/32-february/#comments Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:26:17 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10797 I awoke to sunrise this morning. yellow light filled my bedroom and I would have given everything just to stay in bed the whole day. february is my least favorite month. I am not sure why; it seems as if the shorter days have somehow taken away the quality of the month in general. maybe it is simply because hong kong’s weather in february is not impressive at all. then there’s valentine’s, which I despise. I am thinking of a little project to change my mind about this month. I am going to try and see the bright side as well.

how about you? what are you thoughts on february?

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/02/01/32-february/feed/ 0 january favorites http://enjoythewait.org/2012/01/31/january-favorites/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/01/31/january-favorites/#comments Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:09:06 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10784


All Rights Reserved by voldy92

this reminds me of home.

there are things
All Rights Reserved by haeshu

almost like that one august sunset m and I watched over the meadow. I wonder whether he thinks about me sometimes, the way I think of him.

paris / film
All Rights Reserved by marina.shakleina

I miss paris lately.

little girl with her owl
All Rights Reserved by laura makabresku

curls and red hair. something I will never have.


All Rights Reserved by voldy92

I think about new york city a lot lately. and moving there for good.


All Rights Reserved by isabelle bertolini

I cannot remember the last time I ate a truly amazing pizza.


All Rights Reserved by saraseaside

I am dreaming of my own flat.

]]> http://enjoythewait.org/2012/01/31/january-favorites/feed/ 0 31 :: 366 http://enjoythewait.org/2012/01/31/31-366/ http://enjoythewait.org/2012/01/31/31-366/#comments Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:59:32 +0000 sara http://enjoythewait.org/?p=10764 it had been a long day. I began my new job as an intern at time out hong kong. it is going to keep me busy for the next few weeks and I am hoping to expand; take my writing some place else. the newsletter editorial that is being prepared for this week is underway and there is another half a dozen things on the list I have to focus on. but it is okay with me. the atmosphere of the office is just as you would expect for a magazine. messy desks, endless stacks of previous issues, boxes of the latest one, film posters and photographs of celebrities. hong kong art festival. boxes, boxes, boxes. envelopes and other paper paraphernalia. and then there’s the people. some of them I’ve met throughout the years of hanging out on the streets of hong kong. the anxious ones go out for a cigarette every half an hour and the rest just stocks up on the caffeine supply. there’s always a deadline ahead and I like the pressure of it.

then the globe. it has been a while since my father and I just sat together for a drink. talking about everything and nothing. I already mentioned the importance of this, coincidentally about the same time last year. hazelnut boy joined us half way through and then he left. it was like a déjà vu. again. the same corner, the same facial expressions. the same bullshit. me quitting, giving up. but I knew from his eyes that he doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe me. and then two hours on the phone, sitting down on the sidewalk, trying to sort things out. the thin line between love and not wanting to be alone. it is interesting though that his empty words still have an effect on me.

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