rain pours behind the windows;
the white light in the office headache is inducing.
my headphones are the only thing providing any form of consolation. flashbacks from last night. feelings, emotions, confusion but with a strong certainty.
what did I just type?
I am not making any sense today and the stereotypical tasks of today are actually welcomed.
cupcakes from a fellow intern and venti cappuccino.
I forgot to eat yesterday.
frantically browsing through craiglist and gumtree in hopes of finding something that could interest me. reading the new yorker and the times.
an idea for a short story came to me in the middle of the night but I didn’t have a chance to write it down. the fact that it is irreversibly gone now makes me doubt myself.
long messages to a friend in australia, simply because our friendship has grown stronger since his visit last week.
sometimes I just need someone to listen.

I write lengthy letters to lovers and hope to accomplish nothing. the coincidental alliteration is beginning to annoy me. it is too much of a constant. daily constants. I am trying to think when is the last time I managed to spend the entire day just writing. in pajamas. with extensive amounts of coffee. because yesterday was just like that. I am thinking of my other daily constants. the coffee, the cigarettes being the obvious. but. I am beginning to wonder about other things. I am wondering whether I could be willing to make someone a daily constant. the doubts, the questions, the insecurity. attempts to drown my own mind have been unsuccessful. but there’s a couple of new people around now who put a smile on my face every time I see them. which is important.

I purchased another nirvana t-shirt in hopes it would remind me of my roots. but instead I am finding myself spacing out to the tones of habib koité, rokia traoré and oumou sangare. the significance of this is, perhaps, more than obvious. I sat with an old high school friend, just laughing and talking. the guitarist joined us at some point. there were some other people that I haven’t seen for a long time. hazelnut boy waited patiently before I made up my mind and took a taxi back to the dark side. in the morning, he wasn’t shy to admit that waiting for me, sometimes, has a sweet ending of an entirely sleepless night. we argued again but we missed each other more and it wasn’t relevant to begin with.

of course.

I never thought I would reach such a high number. I remember posting the hundredth milestone felt like such a big accomplishment. because in the years before enjoythewait I was in a habit of deleting my words every few months out of pure fear that someone I know in real life would discover them. things have changed a lot. twenty hours of sleep. the solitude of an empty apartment. cups of black coffee and cream vegetable soup for breakfast. plans for today include the minimal things: cleaning up the apartment, writing, listening to music, drinking copious amounts of coffee. maybe a short walk in the afternoon, a trip to my favorite bookstore in tsim sha tsui. but apart from that? nothing. I am giving myself a little break. everything else can wait a little.

35 :: 366

listening to my friend hannah’s incredible playlist. she’s moving back to hong kong next week, which is one of the happiest news I have received lately. I cannot wait for the photographic adventures, endless coffees in town. I’ve missed having her around. just having a friend in town. what somehow makes it special for me is that she’s a high school friend. depending on how long you’ve been following enjoythewait, but some of you might remember the hatred stage I was going through back in 2007. I hated everything about high school. the people, the teachers, the work, the uniform, even the fucking building itself. everything. when I came back from new zealand at the end of march 2008, things changed a little bit. I started making friends. most of them are my friends now. last night one of the first nights in a long time that I enjoyed myself. drinking with the same people I used to hate. and now I cannot imagine my life without them. scattered all over the world but having an extensive list of things in common. I wish I had seen that sooner. but I guess it’s the natural process of making friends.

I wore his hoodie to work today. the same one I’ve been wearing since chinese new year. that fatal monday. I can hardly make out his cologne anymore but there’s still a faint scent leftover in the material. I haven’t seen him, I barely talk to him. we fight and we argue every time we see each other. the silence at the end of the day was too much for me to bear. I swallowed my pride and talked to him first. unresolved issues. lots of them. and then that other guy whom I cannot even remember. but I know he was there. I stopped writing the red district chronicles some time around august but I should probably go back to it. it’s been a year since I wrote my first letter to the guitarist. he’s still around, he’s still here. our friendship is rare and it’s the only reason why I am taking care of it. there’s too many other words on my mind but hopefully I will find the right way to reveal them soon.

eight o’clock in the morning, conversation got boring.