I have completely distanced myself from enjoythewait. I am not sure why. I am too busy to be writing here. and it’s not what it used to be anymore. somehow it doesn’t matter.

currently in the middle of mock exams. two years have gone by so fast. of course, I am talking about the time again. what else am I going to talk about. every time I come back and open this editor, the only thing I am really reminded of is how much time has passed.

every time it’s the same, every summer is the same. except maybe this one will bring changes. changes I will reveal more about in september. because september is usually the time of my come back.

it’s almost midnight. I used to be able to stay awake for days, but I guess not anymore.

and happy birthday, frances.

home made pasta with an extensive amount of ketchup and parmesan is what I used to eat on a daily basis during my first year here. it’s what I am eating right now. every summer seems to be just like the one before: a complete disaster. except for last year because I went home and managed to skip all the humidity and dissatisfaction in general. in hong kong, summers suck royally. I have no poetic words for this one. I am not sure I can say that I am not happy, though. because I am. except. the list of things that I am not okay with at the moment is too long. it’s not getting longer, it’s not getting shorter. every day is exactly the same. routine. stereotype. call it whatever you want it. and I am tired of it. of everything.

I have been writing quite a lot in the few weeks because it’s the only way of venting right now, the only way of letting my thoughts escape out there. so I don’t have to deal with them. I stopped re-reading what I wrote before. I stopped with all of it. I am trying to focus on each day alone, one step at a time, trying to do what’s best at one particular point. I am not exactly able to see my future right now. not able to plan or figure things out. because I don’t want to. because it’s tiring and leads to disappointments. I learned the hard way. and so on.

I have nothing much say right now (obviously). except that I am looking forward to september. you know why. but until then, there’s a chance this place will be forgotten. and I don’t mind.

early sunday morning. I haven’t been up this early on a sunday for a long time. especially not after a long night spent a local bar. there’s nothing local about it, I just like the way it sounds. my local, not yours. somehow clicking accept on that request makes me feel different. I’m breaking my own rules, it’s a completely new ground. I’m losing the touch with reality. of course, I’m thinking about white oleander. but it doesn’t really matter. it doesn’t matter. not after that phone call yesterday, not after I wrote that email and not after everything we have been through. I’m sorry I’m so hard to love.

I’m taking out old photographs from the boxes, they are everywhere; on my walls, floor, bed. I’m looking at them trying to understand who people in those photographs actually were. there’s one from paris with me and mom, standing below the eiffel tower, the sky is azure blue, our hair shines with sun. and we look so happy. I wonder whether it’s the right word. happy. what does that even mean? I was too young to know anyway.

summer. it’s coming. I can feel it. it’s creeping up on me like a black cloud. and every year it comes in from the same direction. things are getting harder, it’s getting hotter and my relationships with certain people are getting worse with each day. because that’s how it is. summer used to be the time of my life. summer used to be all about me being a kid and playing endlessly with sea shells by the sea. soaking in the sun and freedom. now I am a prisoner of a hot, concrete city, suffocating in the masses of people and heavy smells coming from the underground. there are no words to describe how much I want to go back to being six years old.

but it doesn’t mean anything.

sometimes I see something somewhere. something that reminds me of you in such a great detail and intensity I feel like I need to hold onto a wall and rest against it for a few minutes. I can hardly remember your face anymore, the scent of that summer and that strange taste in my mouth after a night of countless gin tonics and smoked cigarettes. I cannot remember it anymore, not clearly, not the way I used to. except during those short moments when I do. when it all comes back to me so suddenly. so suddenly and unexpectedly. often I wonder whether it’s because at that same time and moment you’re thinking exactly the same.

after all these years it still blows my mind away how at a silent, peaceful moment, in which I am feeling content and quiet, things change. rapidly and too fast for my own comprehension. I still haven’t learned how to anticipate the ups and downs of daily life. I still haven’t learned how cope with the emotional waves and instability. I don’t know how to balance it, how to handle it. but you would understand. I know you would.

this morning I woke up at seven to a complete whiteness outside. it’s that time of the year again. it’s twenty five+ degrees celsius. I woke up too early and I had another hour just to laze in bed and do nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a chance to enjoy myself in the morning like that. it’s like something inside me allowed me to ease up a little bit. I spent the day finishing up all of my work, completing study notes and working out calculus questions. I’ve grown to like it. just like the english tea. but maybe it’s not related at all.

I am lacking time to write. actual time to write. recently these posts have been stripped to ten, fifteen minutes maximum. I haven’t got time to think about what I am going to write. as long as I write every day. I am not sure whether this was the approach I had in mind at the beginning of the year. but it’s march already and I am not complaining. this weekend has brought something to me, something new. something that I hadn’t seen before. but people around me have and that just proved how stupid I can be sometimes.

but I guess that has always been part of my learning process. I have many things to focus on, even more to think about — these things are constant. the only thing I seem to be missing is someone constant.

I am at a loss of words here. yesterday I’ve finally had a whole afternoon just for myself. I spent it writing, walking around and exploring the greyness of the city. it is particularly grey these these days. we’ve gone up from ten degrees to twenty seven. twenty seven names for tears, twenty seven levels. it all comes down to that. this weekend I am not doing much. reading, writing, watching mind numbing medical tv shows and eating too much of sweets. why not. I think after last week I deserve it.

I wonder when my muse is going to kick in again.