dear ____,

I never intended to keep quiet for so long. but we’re both quiet. things have changed. but this time, definitely. this time – it’s a change I can point at. no more of that abstract bullshit I was feeding you all these longs months and years. but I am not going to apologize. initially I wasn’t even going to write this as a letter, but then I realized it probably might be the easiest way for me to say everything I have been meaning to let out for a good couple of weeks now. the only difference now is, that this time it’s completely about me. I am not wondering how you are doing. I hope you’re doing good, okay. I hope you’re happy. but right now, at this moment, my own happiness is more important to me. and I don’t think it’s selfish.

okay, well let me see. it’s been basically two months since I last sat down and tried to write a proper piece, which would contribute to this so-called book of life. I believe we came up with the whole ideology a few years back, but the meaning of it is completely irrelevant. of course, it is. it’s been years. already two months ago I started to lack time. there was no time for anything. I couldn’t find five minutes to sit down and put my thoughts together. and now I seem to be back in the regular cycle of stress and it’s draining me out. I feel like I need a break, but not from work. I am just tired. constantly, in general, non-stop, all the time – tired. I’m not sure what it is anymore. for a while, I thought it was somehow chemically induced, so I tried to get off coffee like you’ve always told me to, but the thing is, it’s my state of mind. it has nothing to do with the fact that I regularly pay half the price at a starbucks. it’s like having your personal dealer who charges you less than others. no, wait, it’s exactly like that. it’s every addict’s dream.

anyway. I had exams a few months back, I finished them. they went okay, I’m still waiting for some of my results. but yeah. then came Cambodia. I missed vietnam while I was there, I missed home and I kept thinking what it would be like if we were there together. but somewhere, half way through the trip, somewhere in the air while I was on the plane between Phnom Penh and Siem Riep, I stopped caring. I figured we are as good as ever and things are not going to get any better. things are definitely not going to change, because I am not going to do anything. because I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’ve moved on. it happened overnight. it was quite a shock, too. but the good kind.

when I returned back to hong kong; I wasn’t on my own anymore. but it took me a long time to realize it. it took me a while before I’ve accepted the new feeling in my heart. I cannot even begin to describe the moment when I finally did. it was like being set free after all these years of pain, sadness and one-sided affection for you that was killing me. I came back home, I came back free. but that’s not to say you’re not my friend anymore. you are. you will always be. there’ll always be space and place for you in my life. just not the same kind anymore. then came spring break. this year’s was so different from last year. on so many levels. it’s impossible to compare it. this year filled my heart with entirely different emotions. happiness, cuteness, affection. and so on. I’m starting to sound like one of those people from love actually. oh, wait. that was the first film I watched this year. maybe that’s why. somehow I think it’s had an impact.

and now I am back at school again, trying to get my shit together, and it’s incredibly hard, because studying is the last thing I want to do because I feel like I’ve finally found happiness. the real kind. or something. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know. it’s completely new. and completely different. because what happened is I realized that I am happy right now. happier than I have ever been in the last thirteen years of knowing you and that’s something. I hope you’ll understand one day, even though I still haven’t told you. I don’t want to. (I’m still pretty pissed off about switzerland. but you’ll never know.)

I just realized how personal this letter is. and yet it is still out here. but somehow it feels okay. it feels right. when I look back at all of my writings, it seems like I’ve hidden half the truth. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve already started working on the way of finding my old self. the way I used to be honest and open about everything, just letting things out there, the way they are. you were the person who taught me not to do it, you were the person who forced me to become just like you. but you’re also the reason why I am going back in time now. it’s so hard. incredibly, incredibly hard and half the time I just hate everyone and everything, because I am afraid of getting hurt. because I’ll never be able to forget. but the thing is, I need new memories. memories with someone who actually loves me.

because you never did.

signed oscar wilde.

dear ____,

I’ve had such a shit day today. migraines are entirely underestimated and yet more than twenty percent of the population suffers from it. or something like that, I didn’t want to get all scientific about it. I left classes early, slept most of the afternoon. I am back to watching medical shows because I am trying to find some inspiration to study the human anatomy a little bit more enthusiastically. I’ve become interested in the human heart and particularly, the brain. it’s incredible really. but sometimes I stop and I think about the figurative meaning of those organs in our lives. sometimes I think I am the heart and you’re the brain. without one another there’d be no us. or maybe it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know.

right now, my brain feels like it’s ready to explode, so I think I am going back to bed. I wasn’t able to sleep last night, or the night before that. you know why. my heart misses you.

signed oscar wilde

dear ____,

it’s completely white outside. this month is a strange one. there’s too much work to do, and not enough time. I am not sleeping well. even after 12 hours of sleep I am tired. I am obsessed with the weather. I keep checking the weather reports, hoping something will change. it just affects me too much. I have never been this way before. a friend of mine in DC emailed me this morning, saying they have a 65 cm snow outside their door and cannot even leave the house because there’s not enough space to shove the snow away. and then the power went out. 2012 coming too soon? maybe I am just paranoid. but deep inside I am actually laughing. the world’s fucked up.

and how are we? I don’t know. last year we weren’t so good at keeping in touch with each other, and the way this year is going so far, I am thinking it’s even worse. I think you have sensed a change in my life but I don’t see how that’s a reason for another distance to be created. I get frustrated sometimes at our inability to communicate. people’s general inability to communicate. things annoy me for no reason and I am definitely quick to let it all out. so maybe it’s good we’re not talking. maybe it’s good you have no idea what is going on with me right now. I just wonder whether it ever occurs to you that sometimes I need you at four in the morning. just to talk about nothing and everything. does it ever occur to you? I wish I could ask.

because I don’t want another two years flying by before we see each other. that must never happen again.

signed as oscar wilde.

dear ____,

what can I write? but honestly. things do not change rapidly around here. even though some times it feels like today I am living a life of somebody completely else than yesterday. I am becoming increasingly busier with each day. just as I have always wanted to be. somewhere in between the lines, I’ve started another chapter of my life. in the last few months I’ve become even more independent. not because I don’t need anyone, but because I’ve allowed myself to be needed. and to be there. for me it’s easy to wake up every morning and from the first sun rays of the day, do everything by myself. I am trying to let more people in my life. open the front door, let them in. knowing who your real friends are, that’s where the freedom comes from. but I am too stubborn. you know that. you have always battled with me.

events of this year so far have shown me that I have to start making small spaces, small sacrifices for other people. not just to help them, but to fulfill my own purpose. something I’ve been talking about for so long and never doing anything. often, people ask me, what I think the meaning of life is. and I always say there isn’t any. just to set them back for a little while. but I wonder whether I truly believe that, or do I always just say it because I want to keep my front door shut. some people don’t know it yet, but I am actually a hypocrite. I am a hypocrite just by admitting that I am one.

this weekend has been an amazing one. I’ve allowed myself to drink white wine after five years and I am thinking this should mark a new beginning of our relationship. even though I can hardly imagine it. I think you would understand this better than anyone.

signed oscar wilde.

and my favorite, of course.

dear ____,

it’s constantly dark outside. or so it seems to me because I stay awake until the morning, sleep during the day and get up in the afternoon. you never understood this. maybe you do now, I am not sure. we’ve changed. I think we have exchanged our habits. you gave me yours, I gave you mine. but we haven’t spoken since last year so I don’t know what you’re doing right now. you’re moving between two countries every couple of months and I’ve been meaning to ask you whether you would mind adding another one to your list next year. but I am not sure where. I don’t know what I am going to do. and I never really asked you, and I feel like I should have. we need to talk seriously. it’s time. it makes me uncomfortable, but that’s what it is.

I dare to say I have become a more sensible person. I am not just a bundle of unreasonable opinions and anger anymore. you remember that time, I remember yours. but it’s gone now. we have both outgrown our outrage. the only thing that hurts is that we’re so different in our ideals for the future. so different it seems impossible we will ever cross paths. or be anywhere near each other. every day I am thinking how to lessen the distance. but I cannot do it alone. one of the few things I cannot do on my own. I wonder whether you think about this. ever. or is it just me.

and so I keep wondering. the change of numbers didn’t really change anything. not yet.

signed oscar wilde.

dear ____,

I found that little red notebook that I was using at the beginning of last year to write you letters. some letters made me laugh, some made me sad, but only because I know I really meant them. but then I stopped writing them. I think some time in march because I ran out of things to say. or maybe my feelings had changed a little. I am not sure what it is now. this photograph reminds me of when we were little. it’s been a while since I’ve touched snow with the tips of my fingers. it’s been a while since everything. I finished writing my bilantaine just a few minutes ago. you’re in there, only between the lines, but you’re there. it doesn’t really matter anymore. except that I am afraid that if I don’t write things down they will be forgotten. no one will ever be able to bring them up on the surface. each new year makes me feel the same. I am always thinking I am missing out on something. well here’s what it is; I am missing out on you and I hate it.

I am using the electric heater to warm myself up. you would laugh because you’re used to cold and rain. I am not. I was never drawn to that part of the world before you moved there. but now I have even thought of applying for university there. there’s a lot of things I would do for you, for us. the only thing that’s preventing me from doing all of that is that I never know what you’re thinking. you seem to be fine without me and you have no idea how confused that makes me.

happy 2010.

signed oscar wilde.