this photo could be from the night, which we spent at the waterfront together. but it’s not. I came home late a few hours, and didn’t mind. my heart was full but you never called again. unspoken memories, undecided minds. I am not sure what I would do if I saw again. ignore you, comes to mind. or maybe I am just too bitter and too disappointed. who knows. it’s a strange morning. it feels like late afternoon, I only woke up a few minutes ago. my mind is heavy. pulsating. but words keep coming to me. I could never stop that. things remind me of things, which remind me of this, which then remind me of something else. it’s always been like that. the thought process and the end of it. and the fact that you’re up here doesn’t help at all.

the kid who had a heart is back to being my daily constant. it always amazes me the power of instinct, the strength of his voice and the difference between drummers on each album. they have been with me too long now I am not really able to abandon them for some new age so-called independent bands of late 00s. it’s been a strange day. I started writing this little piece in the morning only to leave it open until the evening. I was late for school, with a headache and thought none of it matters. but it actually kind of does. I am drinking my late night coffee, a triple latte, listening to demo versions of nirvana’s songs. most of them recorded in his living room. there’s something poetic about the bad quality. I am finding poetry everywhere. I am obsessed with my own book of poetry, which I never finished but plan to during the next few weeks. I have many bits and pieces which are waiting for me to tape them together and pretend they have a meaning.

today I wondered why I still bother with being around him, when he doesn’t give a shit.

I am buried in books. endless reading lists, photography magazines, chinese textbooks, exercise books, notebooks, journals, dictionaries, historical nonfiction and other publications. I am doing a lot of research these days having to complete more than half a dozen of long essays in the next few weeks. the upcoming holidays are actually no holidays at all. I have watched a few films during the weekend although my time was limited. nevertheless I’ve enjoyed law abiding citizen more than other people. it reminded me of fight club. sort of like, fight club: ten years later. also I have brought home my old time favorite film, which I have watched countless times when I was a kid — the parent trap. I cannot wait to watch it again, I think that’s where my obsession with twins started in the first place.

I am listening to nirvana. after so many months. it seems all these old favorites of mine are coming back to me, starting with bands from the post punk wave of the 80s in UK all the way to seattle and their influence on the world. it’s been so long since I have last read heavier than heaven. that book used to be my bible. it still probably is but I have forgotten most of the words and passages, which I used to know by heart. I can’t even remember that quote about dying at the end of it all even though it used to be important. but I still think people don’t change. not really.

last day of november. seriously. didn’t I tell you to slow down?