I had a dream about you last night. I don’t think I’ve had a dream about you before, which is why it has had such an impact on me. I woke up feeling disoriented. you were sitting on my bed, in my/your pajamas, reading my copy of cobain unseen. I walked into my apartment, no else was at home, it was way past midnight, it was dark and I was looking forward to going to bed, but instead I almost had a heart attack when I saw you sitting there. then I moved closer, which must have scared you because you jumped up and left my room through the window on the twenty eighth floor. in a way we both died in my dream last night.

it was strange. and what’s even stranger I have no idea what it meant.

6:15am.
the alarm goes off for the first time. I don’t really bother getting up. it’s too cold. too dark. I have the strongest wish to cancel the day.

6:52am.
last chance to get up on time.

7:34am.
gulping down hot coffee. or a bowl of green pea soup like today. I had so much coffee last night, I didn’t need any in the morning. new strategy.

12:49pm.
one minute before lunch.

3:29pm.
one minute before end of school.

5:13pm.
still hanging around, getting some work done so I don’t have to carry home those 600 pages thick books. starbucks. the barista looks at me like I am crazy, but there’s a smile on his face. triple tall latte.

7:16pm.
on the way home from somewhere.

9:11pm.
starting homework, reading feeds, doing ten things at the same time.

2:02am.
thinking it’s time to give up and go to bed.

3:03am.
falling asleep but still being aware of everything. images from the day still before my eyes.

6:15am.
REPEAT.

I am exhausted. nothing else comes to my mind right now. but there’s a list of things, which I have to do. and the list seems to be endless. fucking endless. to some extent keeping busy prevents me from thinking and analyzing everything all the time, but the thing is, I feel like I am on the edge of my willingness to keep going. I need some quiet, calm time – preferably a whole afternoon – to sit down, write down every single thing that’s on my mind and then start all over. today has been a particularly bad day. I might actually be the only person in the world who dislikes fridays. not just because of this one. I overslept. couldn’t wake up on time because of throbbing migraine. it refused to go away for the rest of the day. the weather affects me. more than at any other time of the year. I am not sure why. I would like the greyness to go away it’s becoming unbearable.

I devoting a lot of time to education. I am loving my french lessons. it doesn’t seem like studying, it’s rather relaxing. it’s more about having a friend. I spend copious amount of time creating lists. writing down lists calms me down. films, books, albums, names, vocabularies, tasks to do, my favorite words, days of the week in different languages. it might be because it creates a sense of order in this chaotic period. the moments during which I am sitting still and only writing make the world look sedated. or maybe it’s just because I have no time to write long journals anymore.

I feel like I should slow down a little bit, but even the idea of it makes me restless.

*

having nightmares, sleepwalking and not being able to sleep because the walls are too bright at night, is a good indication of how desperately I need to change my daily routines. or instead of, theory of knowledge, they should teach us theory of time management. today was a strange day. I am glad it’s almost over. but why I am still awake?