notes on her personal experiences » Insomnia

my black sheep

sara — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 04:38:12 +0000

your soft chocolate skin; the way it feels against mine. I still remember when I first saw you. after-taste of black coffee on my lips, chain-smoking french cigarettes.
our first hello, you kissed my hand. mademoiselle, you said.
but I knew I couldn’t trust you. not back then, and not now.
neon lights of the red district would follow us for the next few weeks everywhere.
bombay tonic, my little black dress. I placed my head on your lap, you stroked my hair. your hair is like noodles, you said. yours is like black sheep, I replied. you’re my sheep. yes, anything you like. we stayed like that for a while before my head started spinning. I lit another cigarette.
countless nights out on the street with no home to return to but it didn’t matter as long as you put your head against mine. sometimes we’d sleep like that for hours. riding buses without numbers from one side of the city to the other. hot, summer afternoons.
but you don’t have any books and it breaks my heart.

summer 2011.

monday morning

sara — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 02:16:18 +0000

he left before I even had a chance to get used to having him around. but that’s how we are. monday, again. sadness, numbness. packed public transport. coffee on the go. rain. it’s going to rain the entire week. filmmaker is in china on a business trip for two weeks. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. with people around me. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came home around midnight. showered and fell asleep fairly quickly before two in the morning. then I awoke at three with an unread e-mail on my phone. I replied. fell back asleep for about an hour. then there was another message. and then a phone call. it was five thirty in the morning and I watched the light change behind my drapes. I nodded off but never fully fell asleep again. I left the house for work an half an hour earlier than usually.

how could I ever convey everything I have been wanting to say?

chelsea hotel

sara — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 16:47:35 +0000

I’m wasting my own words. I used to be minimalistic. I am not sure what happened.

all of a sudden, nothing is enough. I have this constant need to explain and to expand my thoughts to the extent where it becomes irrelevant.

no one is interested, not even myself.

I only want to read and write and educate myself.

and sometimes, once in a while, meet someone who will turn my world upside down.

except one day I will want that person to stay. stay and not leave.

I returned to my endless piece that I started writing a few weeks ago.

I thought I would finish and then delete it, but right now, it seems as if it will never end. I am not sure what I got myself into. all I know that I am finally enjoying myself. in a way that allows me to relax.

I’m sitting here, drinking ~~red~~ white wine, listening to music. but I can still hear the silence.

I can always hear the silence. even with my window open throughout the night.

my shoulders are cold in the morning and I always think of your bedsheets.

every now and then i fall apart

sara — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 18:19:20 +0000

at last I finished the letter, which I started writing on the day you left. it’s four pages long and it’s not really a letter, but I needed to write it. now that it’s finished, it doesn’t make me feel any better. all I do is return to it and read it over and over. I haven’t talked to anyone for days. I have only been writing. as soon as you left I returned to writing. thousands of words in a single night. for an entire week. on wednesday I went out, got a little intoxicated, sent emails to the australian. instead of you. now he’s doing the same. it’s how we are. I wish I could write more about it. I wish I felt confident enough to write to you. send you everything that I have been hiding on my disc. one of the reasons I didn’t bring my laptop over to your place was the fear that you would somehow find everything. don’t hate me for this. I’m still working on my insecurities.

another sleepless night in front of me. it’s almost two in the morning. the city is too loud. every single bus that passes down on the street, twenty eight stores below me, I hear it as if it is in the middle of our living room. I can hear the guys unloading fruit at the fruit market less than a block away. every night is the same. nights like these when I cannot sleep I wish I was out there somewhere. in the middle of the red district, talking to strangers, taking everything this city has to offer. nights like these are my least favorite because I can’t sleep and then I can’t wake up in the morning. and it’s a circle and it goes on and on.

you feel so distant right now, I keep forgetting we still live in the same time zone.

forget the world

sara — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 17:30:49 +0000

you jumped out of my window

sara — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 08:49:21 +0000

I had a dream about you last night. I don’t think I’ve had a dream about you before, which is why it has had such an impact on me. I woke up feeling disoriented. you were sitting on my bed, in my/your pajamas, reading my copy of cobain unseen. I walked into my apartment, no else was at home, it was way past midnight, it was dark and I was looking forward to going to bed, but instead I almost had a heart attack when I saw you sitting there. then I moved closer, which must have scared you because you jumped up and left my room through the window on the twenty eighth floor. in a way we both died in my dream last night.

it was strange. and what’s even stranger I have no idea what it meant.

finally

sara — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 15:18:07 +0000

373

sara — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:26:30 +0000

6:15am.
the alarm goes off for the first time. I don’t really bother getting up. it’s too cold. too dark. I have the strongest wish to cancel the day.

6:52am.
last chance to get up on time.

7:34am.
gulping down hot coffee. or a bowl of green pea soup like today. I had so much coffee last night, I didn’t need any in the morning. new strategy.

12:49pm.
one minute before lunch.

3:29pm.
one minute before end of school.

5:13pm.
still hanging around, getting some work done so I don’t have to carry home those 600 pages thick books. starbucks. the barista looks at me like I am crazy, but there’s a smile on his face. triple tall latte.

7:16pm.
on the way home from somewhere.

9:11pm.
starting homework, reading feeds, doing ten things at the same time.

2:02am.
thinking it’s time to give up and go to bed.

3:03am.
falling asleep but still being aware of everything. images from the day still before my eyes.

6:15am.
REPEAT.

367

sara — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:41:06 +0000

I am exhausted. nothing else comes to my mind right now. but there’s a list of things, which I have to do. and the list seems to be endless. fucking endless. to some extent keeping busy prevents me from thinking and analyzing everything all the time, but the thing is, I feel like I am on the edge of my willingness to keep going. I need some quiet, calm time – preferably a whole afternoon – to sit down, write down every single thing that’s on my mind and then start all over. today has been a particularly bad day. I might actually be the only person in the world who dislikes fridays. not just because of this one. I overslept. couldn’t wake up on time because of throbbing migraine. it refused to go away for the rest of the day. the weather affects me. more than at any other time of the year. I am not sure why. I would like the greyness to go away it’s becoming unbearable.

I devoting a lot of time to education. I am loving my french lessons. it doesn’t seem like studying, it’s rather relaxing. it’s more about having a friend. I spend copious amount of time creating lists. writing down lists calms me down. films, books, albums, names, vocabularies, tasks to do, my favorite words, days of the week in different languages. it might be because it creates a sense of order in this chaotic period. the moments during which I am sitting still and only writing make the world look sedated. or maybe it’s just because I have no time to write long journals anymore.

I feel like I should slow down a little bit, but even the idea of it makes me restless.

elle aime cette vie tranquille et paisible

sara — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:08:16 +0000

having nightmares, sleepwalking and not being able to sleep because the walls are too bright at night, is a good indication of how desperately I need to change my daily routines. or instead of, theory of knowledge, they should teach us theory of time management. today was a strange day. I am glad it’s almost over. but why I am still awake?