some of the things that keep me afloat during these long afternoons.

+ boubacar traoré’s kongo magni
+ notes on world history starting from paleolithic era. thousands of pages to read.
+ occasional missed calls from m. why I refuse to pick up the phone is a story for another time.
+ counting off the days. ten left before my departure.
+ sunsets.
+ endless cups of coffee and instant noodles.
+ long emails from a friend who is never more than half an hour away.
+ we feel fine.
+ writing down lists.

dreams of africa. infinite time at work, restricted once the skies grow darker. unpleasant revelation this morning from someone I would have never expected it. or maybe I should have known all along that something like this was bound to happen. don’t I have enough experience already? but then again I am only speaking from the tongue of an inexperienced individual with tendencies to revive the supposedly faded teenage anger. when is this shit gonna end. in the last few hours I have downloaded almost five GB of reading material. which now keeps me occupied in times of immense boredom that sometimes creeps into my hours. afriki djigui theatri has also been a great source of entertainment. I keep re-reading that last message trying to decipher the boundaries between jealousy, cowardice and pure spite. and all of a sudden I am not finding those multiple personalities so cute anymore.

he left before I even had a chance to get used to having him around. but that’s how we are. monday, again. sadness, numbness. packed public transport. coffee on the go. rain. it’s going to rain the entire week. filmmaker is in china on a business trip for two weeks. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. with people around me. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came home around midnight. showered and fell asleep fairly quickly before two in the morning. then I awoke at three with an unread e-mail on my phone. I replied. fell back asleep for about an hour. then there was another message. and then a phone call. it was five thirty in the morning and I watched the light change behind my drapes. I nodded off but never fully fell asleep again. I left the house for work an half an hour earlier than usually.

how could I ever convey everything I have been wanting to say?

a rainy morning in hong kong.

I have a feeling this is going to become a regularity now. I am feeling sleepy, my head is heavy. the sky is dark and grey. it was raining all night, which caused me to drift in one of the deepest sleeps in a while. making it impossible to wake up in the morning. stiffed, cold shoulders even though it’s summer out there. arrival at the office, everything seems to quieter than usual. things seem to be slow around here today. but it will be a long day. and my father leaves for europe tonight. it will be my turn soon. it is the only thing on my mind.

strange dreams, a cup of coffee, wet hair. the air conditioner is on, I am cold. I am mentally preparing myself for an interview in the next few days. hopeful. writing, editing. hours of research and endless starring into excel spreadsheets. lunch break. coffee with the filmmaker. a phone call here and there. then silence for a day or two. repetition.

listening to jack johnson. I still wonder how did we manage to get to such a low and humiliating point. what happened to us?

it is scary when someone who you’ve known less than a week tells you they love you. it made me so nervous I ended up apologizing to him. I am not good at this at all. I am not good at being someone’s something. the pain is still there. every time just when you’re ready to let yourself fall, the earth disappears. people are not afraid of heights. they are afraid of falling. I am reading through the list of phobias again. trying to find something that would make sense to me. if it’s not fear then what is it?

hong kong was a deserted, infertile, mountainous piece of land, much smaller than most islands in the south china sea that the chinese gave up because they thought it was useless and look what it has become. maybe the answer is to look where others don’t.

so I wonder.

it rains every day now. the sky is grey and the buildings reflect the color. everything is monotonous and lacks some sort of spiritual energy. not that I actually believe in any of it but I am having a hard time finding those little things in life to draw inspiration and motivation from. pj harvey fits this wasted day perfectly.

(except I am not.)