I am behind on everything. instead of writing I keep noting down to do lists with points that say write and finish that story and finish that poem and finish that essay. on the road part four has been sitting unfinished and with a couple of different versions in my draft folder since the beginning of october. I remember I was in bosnia when I first started writing it and I thought, by the time I leave here it will be finished. I’ve been back at home for a week now and it is still there, unfinished without a future. not even the first sentence makes sense. the three month trip has worn me out. too much of everything. places, people, photos, experiences to write down. but I will get there, eventually. by the time winter truly rolls out around me I will be back with my daily musings. I just need to find my old routine and some consistency first.

I am not sleeping well. I am not sleeping at all. I had to be reminded of my own writing style in order to find my own words. to get them all back. somehow everything feels reversed as if I am going back in time my mindset slipping back into what it used to be. only because of a couple of sentences. one fucking message. for someone who doesn’t have a problem with leaving people behind I am spending too much time with you on my mind. to the left, to the left. I wish I was in new york city. in washington dc. in san francisco. in beijing. in melbourne. in auckland. in tokyo. in bangkok. in dubai. in cairo. in istanbul. in nairobi. in cape town. in paris. in barcelona. in the middle of the oceans. places just pop up in my mind and I want to transfer myself. sort of like jumper. if I could chose any super power it would be the ability to go anywhere at any time. right now I can’t even understand that I was in one place for a year and a half. a year and a half. the longest period of time in my entire life that I didn’t travel anywhere. you must not know about me, you must not know about me. it has gotten colder over night and but I still swam in the bay today. played tennis at back of the house; shot some nice photographs; watered my grandmother’s garden. I am split between wanting to leave here tomorrow and staying forever. how to be everywhere at the same time?

on the day of my arrival to central europe it was eleven degrees and it was raining hard. in the last two weeks we’ve gone through autumn, spring and finally summer. today it is more than thirty degrees, sunny, hot. but the humidity is missing and I am feeling okay. at the moment I don’t have a permanent home so I am moving between friends’ houses. sleeping on a couch or in a sleeping bag has never bothered me. in fact, I love the spontaneity and I don’t mind. I have abandoned the piece I started writing in textedit at the airport terminal in istanbul and instead I placed my attention back to notebooks. I keep buying cheap paperbacks at shakespeare & sons my favorite bookstore located at the heart of kampa park. yesterday I purchased kipling’s kim. immediately I wished I was in india. I cannot stop the train of my thoughts, I cannot stop wishing I were on the road constantly, always moving between neighborhoods cities countries continents. there is a traveler’s cafe on the right side of vltava; they promote themselves by offering a free drink to anyone who has passport stamps from four different continents. only I keep forgetting to bring my passport with me. only I keep forgetting where I am from.

some of the things that keep me afloat during these long afternoons.

+ boubacar traoré’s kongo magni
+ notes on world history starting from paleolithic era. thousands of pages to read.
+ occasional missed calls from m. why I refuse to pick up the phone is a story for another time.
+ counting off the days. ten left before my departure.
+ sunsets.
+ endless cups of coffee and instant noodles.
+ long emails from a friend who is never more than half an hour away.
+ we feel fine.
+ writing down lists.

dreams of africa. infinite time at work, restricted once the skies grow darker. unpleasant revelation this morning from someone I would have never expected it. or maybe I should have known all along that something like this was bound to happen. don’t I have enough experience already? but then again I am only speaking from the tongue of an inexperienced individual with tendencies to revive the supposedly faded teenage anger. when is this shit gonna end. in the last few hours I have downloaded almost five GB of reading material. which now keeps me occupied in times of immense boredom that sometimes creeps into my hours. afriki djigui theatri has also been a great source of entertainment. I keep re-reading that last message trying to decipher the boundaries between jealousy, cowardice and pure spite. and all of a sudden I am not finding those multiple personalities so cute anymore.