the migraine of three days is in the process of fading away, which is why I am sitting here now, at one o’clock in the morning, with a glass of white wine, finishing an essay for tomorrow morning. because I have nothing else to do. I’ve narrowed down my purposes to studying reading and writing. everything else seems irrelevant and occasionally I break the stereotype with few episodes of a mind numbing show. but that’s what I have come down to. I am no longer looking forward to weekends or free time. because that just means even more work. over are the careless nights with james until sunrise. but I cannot wait have some time to write for a few hours about nothing.

elliott smith is constantly on repeat along with damien rice, and of course, unplugged in new york, which was on the entire day today. I like to remember my music, I like to remember the lyrics. but sometimes I am thinking we could have been so much more if you just hadn’t built that wall around yourself. because I am not the person who will climb over it.

why do people need their space? I’ve always hated that excuse.

dear ____,

I’ve had such a shit day today. migraines are entirely underestimated and yet more than twenty percent of the population suffers from it. or something like that, I didn’t want to get all scientific about it. I left classes early, slept most of the afternoon. I am back to watching medical shows because I am trying to find some inspiration to study the human anatomy a little bit more enthusiastically. I’ve become interested in the human heart and particularly, the brain. it’s incredible really. but sometimes I stop and I think about the figurative meaning of those organs in our lives. sometimes I think I am the heart and you’re the brain. without one another there’d be no us. or maybe it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know.

right now, my brain feels like it’s ready to explode, so I think I am going back to bed. I wasn’t able to sleep last night, or the night before that. you know why. my heart misses you.

signed oscar wilde

and so that was that. a week of writing, studying, french, chinese and lots of chocolate. too much even. countless cups of coffee, countless hours of sleep. next week is going to be a harsh one. a very long one. I wish I could turn off the rest of the world so I could focus. everything is a distraction. every message, every sound, every color. I am not sure how to define this time of the year – sometimes I feel like I am being split down the middle; forced to be at more than one place at a time. I am cold. endless list of things to do.

a few weeks ago I started cooking dinners and to my surprise I found comfort in spending half an hour in the kitchen, preparing a simple meal. it felt strange to me at first, but I’ve decided to let myself explore it. I’ve discovered it’s not a source of frustration anymore. cooking has become a calm time of the day when I am lost in thoughts and content with I am doing. I need to find more of these little things, which will help me escape from the real world for a moment. I need more of the quiet, calm and slow.

and so many other things.