mindful mondays, eight
May 20, 2013
sourced from tumblr
it horrifies me the way time passes. how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. it had such an impact on me the first time I read it a few days ago I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been revisiting some of my favorite books lately, not being interested enough or inspired to read anything new. not inspired, motivated, driven. call it what you want. I am focusing on my work as well as personal projects, but something is missing. I stay wide awake at night, over-thinking because I seem to be unable to find the way out of here.
day time central area in hong kong affects me in an unpleasant way. I am always forced to think about someone I shouldn’t even remember anymore, let alone hold close to my heart. it is absolutely insane that all this time has passed already, but I haven’t moved on. not even an inch.
how can one be nostalgic for something they never even had to begin with?
May 17, 2013
my favorite excerpt from the book cocktail hour under the tree of forgetfulness by alexandra fuller. it’s such a beautiful and powerful book.
a dose of honesty
May 16, 2013
today is my second day at home. I like working from home. I’ve needed the change of scenery for some time now. I like the quiet and the peace. we keep our apartment clean and simple. I like the earthy tones and the white walls. I like the majestic iMac, which sits on a table in the corner. the fridge is empty, as it has been for most of this week. I experiment with food each day, and I get frustrated at the lack of healthy options I’ve been eating lately. every day, I think to myself, tomorrow I will start my daily exercises. but I never do. it’s something my body is craving yet I am not doing anything for it. it has been like this for many years now, and I am frustrated with it. I am frustrated. there isn’t any other way how to describe my current state of mind. I don’t feel well physically, which affects everything. my mood, my attitude. everything. I keep consoling myself by looking at images and videos at pinterest, tumblr, vimeo and instagram. imaging my other life. imaging life the way I would like it to be and the way I would like to live. I keep saving everything into a folder on my computer; looking over and over at every single file. instead of living it, I am just imagining it.
I am frustrated.
in the last twelve months I have experienced more inner changes than I had ever expected. my way of thinking has changed in ways I never thought would be possible. my expectations of future have changed. my expectations in general. I am still trying to justify all these changes, trying to convince myself that everything is alright and I have nothing to be ashamed of. or perhaps, ashamed is not the right word. I have no reason to be justifying myself to anyone, yet I still am. I feel as if I have somehow lowered my expectations of life, but made it simpler. easier. I started dreaming of different things. something inside me changed so deeply, it changed my values. it changed them so much, living in hong kong doesn’t make sense anymore. it doesn’t fit anymore.
it’s so hard to explain.
I want to stop living inside my head. I want to start living my life exactly the way I want it to be. it isn’t about having a problem-free life, or a life without worries. it’s more about a different environment, a different mindset. simpler ways, cleaner.
changes are hard. but I need them.
mindful mondays, seven
May 13, 2013
you don’t even know that I am writing this to you. or that I am writing anything at all. okay. no, maybe you do know. I am not sure. I used to write daily, mini letters to you. for almost three months, I would write them. revealing little bits and pieces of our life together, writing everything down. not wanting to forget. or just wanting to remember. it’s been a little bit rocky lately. with all the involvement of people who aren’t supposed to be involved at all; our lives are under the scrutiny of criticism and judgement. even though, all we want, all we really need to enjoy the life as it comes. we both suffered loses and disappointments, and we still carry them on our shoulders every day. there’s no doubt about that.
I feel like it’s time that we get past the rocky stage. past the insecurities and mistrust. we’ve been through too much to give up now, that much I am sure. it’s so hard to find good people in this life. just genuinely good people. with a great, warm heart, an open mind. with intelligence and a free consciousness. I am not saying that life has been easy for you, hell no, and that your mind is free. no. it is so far away from that, I don’t even know how far it goes. which is okay. because I cannot carry your burden for you and you cannot carry mine for me. we can just be there for each other, I guess. I listened to you last night, I looked at you. the way your face changed. the way you longed for something you cannot have, yet all this time you’ve been pretending. and I understand that. I absolutely do. I am also at ease now that you’ve found the moment where you decided that you could talk to me. because you can. I cannot think of anything that would make walk away, or even just turn my head the other way. it probably doesn’t exist.
just that one time, when the boundaries of faithfulness seemed to fade away and I wasn’t sure, which side we were on anymore. it lasted longer than it should have and the price was there. I really wanted to believe you back then, but the problem is nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. I can barely see your flaws and I only see them when I am angry at you. which makes everything worse. I know. I expect you to be honest with me, burning a bridge just because you don’t like the flow of river does not make sense. I should also follow my own expectations. it works both ways, I know.
I cannot stop thinking about last night. your words, and your face. I finally understood where the profound sadness was coming from, the one I kept seeing on your face from the beginning. it’s always there and I always wondered, why? I feel a little guilty for not knowing all this time, because maybe then I wouldn’t be so hard on you. maybe. one thing I know for sure, the feelings, oh the feelings, they’re just growing bigger and bigger. I am not planning for anything, but the certainty would be impossible to replace.
I hope it never happens.