monday. today he decided to start talking to me again. he hasn’t said a word to me for more than a month. sometimes not even a hello, or a nod, when we passed each other in one of the corridors. he never had any reason to be embarrassed and I wish I told him long ago. but I still haven’t. I am glad we’re not ignoring each other anymore. it was tiring not to be able to talk to him. and I really hated the barrier. I am not getting any sleep. I am drinking too much coffee. there’s always laughter in the afternoon. there’s always something. I’ve been thinking too much about everything. I’ve forgotten what it is like to just go with the flow. these days are filled with stereotype. endless essays and pointless analysis. conclusions about something that doesn’t even have an introduction. I always fake it and then cannot remember what it is that I meant. but it doesn’t bother me. nothing bothers me anymore.

*

these two photographs have inspired me greatly today. I love the dark green set against the light yellow. two different concepts, yet they seem so similar to me. it’s been a cold, grey and sad day. this weekend has not been good to me. next week is going to be most stressful of this semester. but at least I have something pretty to look at. I am hoping things will change soon.

how have you been?

dear ____,

it’s completely white outside. this month is a strange one. there’s too much work to do, and not enough time. I am not sleeping well. even after 12 hours of sleep I am tired. I am obsessed with the weather. I keep checking the weather reports, hoping something will change. it just affects me too much. I have never been this way before. a friend of mine in DC emailed me this morning, saying they have a 65 cm snow outside their door and cannot even leave the house because there’s not enough space to shove the snow away. and then the power went out. 2012 coming too soon? maybe I am just paranoid. but deep inside I am actually laughing. the world’s fucked up.

and how are we? I don’t know. last year we weren’t so good at keeping in touch with each other, and the way this year is going so far, I am thinking it’s even worse. I think you have sensed a change in my life but I don’t see how that’s a reason for another distance to be created. I get frustrated sometimes at our inability to communicate. people’s general inability to communicate. things annoy me for no reason and I am definitely quick to let it all out. so maybe it’s good we’re not talking. maybe it’s good you have no idea what is going on with me right now. I just wonder whether it ever occurs to you that sometimes I need you at four in the morning. just to talk about nothing and everything. does it ever occur to you? I wish I could ask.

because I don’t want another two years flying by before we see each other. that must never happen again.

signed as oscar wilde.

threehundredandsixtynine. what a beautiful number. good night, hong kong.

why do I let this whiteness and greyness surround me and nothing else? last night I fell asleep relatively early because I couldn’t be bothered to stay awake. couldn’t be bothered. I know we laughed at this, but only I know how much I actually mean this. there’s a thing about me; people never know whether I am serious or not. which allows me to be honest when they are not fully listening. but still, after some time they are forced to realize that what I had told them is, in fact, reality. it makes me a perfect manipulator of people. of my own emotions. you’re not a liar until you start lying to yourself.

I am not writing. not really. I haven’t got any ideas or inspiration; no stories, no screenplays. nothing. I’ve stopped bothering myself with trivialities. my paper journals are lacking details, little notes and ideas I used to write down. everything I write has become so official, so cold. there’s no emotion anywhere. every time I try to read a book, I have to quickly put it down because I hate it. because my writing is not like that. because I see the words that could be mine, but are not. if I take away the writing, I really have nothing else to focus on. which is why I spent half of today’s afternoon writing study notes on calculus.

I am tired of this weather. I am tired.

I am exhausted. nothing else comes to my mind right now. but there’s a list of things, which I have to do. and the list seems to be endless. fucking endless. to some extent keeping busy prevents me from thinking and analyzing everything all the time, but the thing is, I feel like I am on the edge of my willingness to keep going. I need some quiet, calm time – preferably a whole afternoon – to sit down, write down every single thing that’s on my mind and then start all over. today has been a particularly bad day. I might actually be the only person in the world who dislikes fridays. not just because of this one. I overslept. couldn’t wake up on time because of throbbing migraine. it refused to go away for the rest of the day. the weather affects me. more than at any other time of the year. I am not sure why. I would like the greyness to go away it’s becoming unbearable.

I devoting a lot of time to education. I am loving my french lessons. it doesn’t seem like studying, it’s rather relaxing. it’s more about having a friend. I spend copious amount of time creating lists. writing down lists calms me down. films, books, albums, names, vocabularies, tasks to do, my favorite words, days of the week in different languages. it might be because it creates a sense of order in this chaotic period. the moments during which I am sitting still and only writing make the world look sedated. or maybe it’s just because I have no time to write long journals anymore.

I feel like I should slow down a little bit, but even the idea of it makes me restless.

find ten differences.

7:30 am.

5:10 pm.